Can you keep a secret?

At some point or another, most adults have asked a kid to keep a secret. Majority are with good intention like, 'Don't tell mum what I bought her for Christmas', but unfortunately some can be damaging and even dangerous for our kids.

It's a scary and unsavoury thought that perpetrators are out there and often if an abuse occurs it's from someone known to the family, but it can also be the secrets we ourselves have asked them to keep that can leave them with lasting mental health issues down the track.

I know for a lot of us growing up, we were raised with "good secrets" and "bad secrets". "Good secrets" were okay they made you feel good and "bad secrets" made you feel yucky... those "good secrets" are potentially damaging secrets that might seem like no big deal, Nannie telling them “Don’t tell your parents you stayed up way past your bedtime,” or a friend might say, “Let's eat these lollies, but don’t tell your Mum I gave them to you” Those secrets send the message that your child (or someone else) might get into trouble for just simply being honest. Sometimes it's those "good secrets" that are used to lure kids into a false sense of security which can make it a hell of a lot easier for someone like uncle creepy or a bestie to get them to keep "bad secrets" which are dangerous secrets later on.

The long and short of it is secrets, aren't okay. Instead you want to strive for open and honest communication that always make your child feel safe, informed and in control.

So in my home we don't have secrets, we have 'fun surprises' a fun surprise is something that will be found out later and makes people feel happy, not sad, like their dad's surprise birthday party for example.

Letting your children know that no-one should ever ask them to keep a secret, that if anyone threatens to hurt them (or you) or if they are ever made to feel uncomfortable no matter who said it, that they should come to you immediately.

If your child comes to you with a "secret" it is very important to respond and not react to it. I saw this first hand when my husband and I divorced, the kids would overhear adult conversations, want to tell us what they heard but would then hear us argue. They would then be left feeling that they betrayed a relative, or had to choose sides or that they had done the wrong thing. That luckily was a lesson learnt early and it is extremely damaging and I know it can be difficult in a split household but, simply put refrain from any conversations that don't need to be overheard by little ears, and reassure your kids that it isn't their responsibility to keep "secrets" nor should they ever be expected to. Keeping family secrets creates a toxic environment that poisons the whole family. It can be extremely harmful, leading to anxiety, shame, trust issues, resentment, stress, and sometimes to the use of addictive substances as a coping mechanism. Adults shouldn't say anything to your kids that they cant share with their parents, and it's the adults responsibility to contain any negative feelings associated with their separation – both in the presence of the children and in the presence of the children’s other parent.

We are wired to react to high stress situations as a safety net. If our brain perceives a threat, it signals the amygdala, the body’s natural “alarm” system, which tells our body to act without thinking. The amygdala responds to situations with the fight, flight, or freeze response. So in a parenting situation when your child comes to you with a "secret" like they broke something they were scared to tell you, or worse, you may very well be triggered and jump into fight mode and “fly off the handle,” it happens so quickly and you aren’t thinking about how your children are perceiving this. Our reactions can be very scary to kids and in future they may feel you aren't a "safe" person to talk to and shut down and chose to keep the "secret" rather than face your reaction. Take a beat...breathe, before you respond. A response involves managing our emotions in the moment in order to remain calm, and replying to our children in a way that models the behaviour we expect from them. Responding to our children allows us to help them learn and grow to face struggles they will inevitably face on their journey into adulthood, but also helps them feel safe and keeps the communication doors open. Remind yourself that if you lead with intense emotions it will only escalate the situation, acknowledge your child’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with what your child said or did.

In my home we try to have a honesty policy, which means if you are honest and say own up to breaking something or they hit their sibling, you don't get "in trouble" there may be natural, logical consequences or a discussion about the behaviour (follow for more detail for what to do in this situation), but I won't "get mad", cause let's be honest... why be honest, if honesty doesn't pay and you're going to lose your shit? This will let your child know that they can continue to come to you when they are in trouble or when they have something they need to talk about.

We don't have secrets... but be do respect privacy!

Teaching your kids the difference between secrets, surprises and privacy early on is easier than you may think. Privacy, I started by teaching my kids that if the door is closed to someone's room they may be getting changed or having private time and that they should knock and wait to be asked before they come in. This will help them understand when they should give someone else privacy, but it also models good behaviour for them. If you ask them to leave the room so you can go to the bathroom, they’ll learn that they can (and should) ask for privacy in the same situation. Same with wanting personal space to calm down, my son has special needs so he has a special loft he can go to for time to self regulate as well as my daughter.

I explained that privacy is for example not sharing an embarrassing story with their friends about their sibling that would make their sibling feel hurt. If it was a split household and they wanted to share gossip about their dad's new girlfriend you could model privacy by saying something like "I understand you wanting to share that but it isn't really mummy's business, maybe you could discuss that with your dad, but if it's a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable I'm here" or explaining if a story wasn't yours to tell and why.

Explain to them that they never have to be alone with someone that makes them uncomfortable. Whether this person is an adult, an older cousin or friend, or a peer their same age. That in that situation they don’t need to have privacy with that person and should make themselves feel safe by leaving the room and going somewhere that does make them feel safe. I've also explained when there may be times that myself as a parent are NOT going to want to give my child privacy. For instance, I may not give them full privacy if a member of the opposite gender is over, or explained that going online can be fun, but it also comes with some privacy risks. Explaining to little ones that some toys or apps are very “smart.” That these toys, which are connected to the internet, have little cameras and microphones, and some even know your location when they're playing with them.That they can collect personal information and can be hacked, and some people could illegally see the personal information that it has collected about them, and that can make that toy or game unsafe if they don't follow set conditions of using it. Explaining that it's essential as a parent we equip our kids with the skills they need to enjoy online activities safely and that may include wanting to have more supervision when it comes to their technology to make sure that they stay safe.

With an 11 year old girl now, trust me when I say as your child get's older, you will hear the whispering start. The giggling between besties, sharing secrets, rumours and other intel on whom has a crush on whom or which teacher did something embarrassing in class today and that is developmentally a totally appropriate “right of passage” for tweens, especially in girls. As Izabella has gotten older, probably from around 9, I've observed how her & her friends have used 'intel' as a way to bond, we are still very close but I've witnessed her grow into a smart, empathetic and generous little woman and she’s confiding in me less often, and of course I still worry about the change where one day those whispers might not be so harmless. This is why discussing secrets now, the communication and teachable moments you've paved along the way is vital for a good relationship with your kids. So your kid will come to you when the secrets become “big” involve any risky or harmful behaviour especially entering their teens.

Starting that conversation about secrets, fun surprises, privacy and even sexuality ( I have a blog on the birds & bee's talk here) early on is so important and setting that foundation for what is appropriate.

Like I said we don't do secrets but I explained that we as adults and even children often confide in each other truths about themselves that they’d rather other people didn’t know, and that is totally ok as long as no one is at risk of harm or they are feel icky about it. Encouraging them to be nice first and foremost and think about what they share with others, while respecting what has been shared if it's safe. Let's say they blurt out an embarrassing story their bestie told them about laughing so hard they peed their pants in P.E. Using that as a teachable moment to explain that telling tales on their bestie could amount to a serious betrayal of that trust, that just because they confided in them that story doesn't mean they are comfortable with EVERYONE knowing that story, it wasn't their story to share and it potentially invaded their privacy. As soon as they did, they instantly regret it, because it’s obvious they’ve portrayed their bestie in a negative light as now kids can make fun of her and that would be really embarrassing and hurtful. That indeed the old Sir Francis Bacon saying is true, "knowledge itself is power", that with knowledge becomes responsibly, and that they can use that power to do good or cause harm.

Modelling the right way to handle a situation like that is import. Teaching that if they invade someone's privacy if there was no threat of harm or unsettling feeling that they should:

1. First and foremost, apologise. It won’t undo what’s been done, but they at least will show sensitivity and responsibility toward their friends hurt feelings.

2. Recognise that it will take time to heal—and the more the damage, possibly the more time.

3. They can't avoid the situation or become defensive about the breach of trust, rather try to put themselves in their friends shoes and ask how they would feel.

It is also really important to talk about what makes a good friend, particularly if it seems like your child is spending time with someone who uses secrets to ostracise or bully others. If they witness friends being cruel, that it IS a situation where someone can be hurt and that IS a situation where they should definitely tell mum or dad. If as a parent you get the feeling a particular kid your child is hanging out with isn't giving off the vibes of sunshine and rainbows try using open-ended questions, so that your child doesn’t feel as though they are being criticised or controlled. Ask them how they feel when they are around the other kid, or what they like about them. In that situation encouraging your kids to act as a positive influence over misbehaving mates, by not laughing at the expense of others, engage in rumours and explain that kids should never whisper during class or at the dinner table, and whispering should never actively exclude others, whether it’s a classmate, friend or sibling.

Understanding privacy issues is all about establishing healthy relationship skills that will carry through a child’s life; it links in to kindness, empathy, and consideration for how others might be feeling. Remember teaching about "fun surprises", "secrets" and "privacy" is all about giving your kids the right amount of information based on their level of understanding and maturity. Speak their language and answer their questions as they ask them, let their questions guide you as to how much information to share, encourage the concept of “feeling comfortable”and that you will always be a safe space for your kid to come to no matter what.

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