A Busy Girl's Guide To Dating!

There is an old saying "Seek to understand, before you seek to be understood!".

Men and women are partners yet the modern world has corrupted this very truth, treating us like we are adversaries on opposing teams each hoping for an golden goal which will inevitably score us the win and the upper hand. From romantic movies that are built on wish-fulfilment for girls, to soppy novels, and magazine articles. We are surrounded by bad propaganda that has done nothing but leave many souls jaded and defensive rather than feeling open and connected. The best relationship advice should eradicate fear and generate understanding, allowing you to both give and receive from a secure place void of illusions.

Pageant crown, glittering dresses, make up and stilettos aside, those that know me well would never describe me as a typical chick. It is the far cry from my boyish country roots, growing up on a farm, wearing boys clothes until I was 15. I was always known as the son my father never had, and with that came not only my tomboy attitude, taste in heavy metal, but a rare ability to truly 'male bond'. Most of my friends were boys especially after high school, and being a Capricorn and a natural observer, I did just that..... I observed! I got a long and unfiltered glimpse into the male psyche and I became almost an interpreter when it came to both my male and female friends. That being said I thought maybe it's time to shine a little light on my discoveries....

Men and women are not very different!

We go about things a little differently, but our fundamentals are the same. We both seek vulnerability and intimacy, but the freedom to be ourselves.

One of the biggest myths I have ever heard and I have had countless debates on this with male mates, is that men are afraid of commitment. It's a lie, a line, an excuse… don't believe it. No guy wants to be 75 still hitting the single bars drinking with some shady blonde wondering if his little blue pill is actually going to work or not tonight. What men are afraid of isn't commitment..... it's marrying the wrong woman!

Men actually crave the ability to be vulnerable, to find a woman who loves him FOR WHO HE TRUELY IS and not just after him being cast as the role of husband to fulfil some childhood fantasy. It is the woman that shows him he can have BOTH vulnerability and the freedom to be himself that will capture his heart.

"You complete me"

- Damn you Jerry Maguire! It sounds romantic that you aren't 'complete' without your companion, your other half. According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. Here that romantic concept of 'soulmate' is born and woman a lot of the time are sold on the idea that a relationship is a way to feel complete. You are a doomed, incomplete and a empty poor sucker roaming the earth until you can find 'the one'. You go out on a date with a new promising guy, your subconscious brain starts racing 'Is this my chance to be complete?'. Women are often taken with the idea of the man rather than the man himself and this is a huge fear factor for men. I'm sorry Plato but lets just agree to disagree but I can complete myself, my parents didn't raise half a woman. The truth is you will never be truly happy unless you can do that for yourself. Men tend to understand this notion a little more naturally, they don't look for a woman to complete them, rather a woman who is in their corner. Where men fear relationships is that they feel like a relationship can take away a man's sense of control and freedom and that they are there to simply play a role rather than having someone who loves and wants to be with him for who he is.

All emotionally available men want a committed relationship, they just don't always know how to get it. There's no real sense of strategy when they want to settle down. They are goal orientated, they see something they want, they pursue it… that simple. There is no point trying to decipher if a guy likes you or not… its obvious! When it gets down to it if you really have to ask? Then you know your answer. Men don't go out of their way to play games or mislead and manipulate women… well healthy, emotionally mature ones anyway. The problem is so many women have become so jaded that they simply don't give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt and just take things at face value. For instance if a guy doesn't text back right away after you send a message a lot of women simply don't realise texting is a distraction for most men. Men have a single task focused mindset, if they're working or busy they simply most likely haven't gotten around to it. Women however tend to read into not getting a instant reply as "he's not that into me".

As I'm sure you've all observed from the latest 'The Bachelorette Australia', men want to WIN. That is their core driving force and that is with everything, they are single task focused creatures of habit and the end game usually involves winning. They are competitive and many will not even try at the risk of failing, that in mind understand that men have a fight or flight response when it comes to conflict or 'drama'. When they see a relationship start to go south and fighting starts, a lot of men will choose the 'flight' response and abruptly end the relationship as they don't think they can WIN the argument. This is why, especially if your man is 'a catch' they can be especially hard to pin down.

So how do you win over the man of your dreams?

I can tell you now…..Make a man feel like he is more of a winner in the world with you than he could be on his own. Men need to feel like they are a winner in all areas of their life that is important to him, men ultimately want a woman in their corner that believes in him and who always sees him as the winner he wants to be. When a man feels like you are in his corner to help inspire him, and give him that confidence he needs to 'compete' he will see you as a necessary element in his life. He wants to feel like he 'won' your affection and you are with him because he was better than all the other men you could of been with, not because you want a relationship title. This comes back to what I was writing earlier about being a complete person, you are there to add to his life not take away from it. Be intensely interested in him when he is talking about things he enjoys and he will want to share more with you. Eye contact and asking genuinely interested questions, especially about things he is excited about is a sure way to get him to bond with you.

How to keep him interested? Where woman as I was explaining earlier are emotional creatures, who are skilled in feeling overwhelmed, talking about our feelings and planning ahead. Men on the other hand are not. They are conditioned by society to downplay their feelings on the surface and not be overly emotional. They simply want to feel appreciated and understood, to be with someone who notices details. They seek a relationship that is calm and happy where they feel good around you in the moment. When it comes to issues you want to address in the beginning of a relationship the best way is to communicate in a way that doesn't feel like you are dumping on him, because remember men want to win, not feel like they are failing. Words are for women! Don't get into a tizzy over it and go on and on about it, men hate 'drama'. Communicate in a way that you are or seem to be at least 'on his side', then there is nothing for him to get threatened about or feel like he is failing in the relationship.

Men don't look too far into the future especially early on, unlike a lot of women who start day dreaming about their wedding before they've even gotten to really know the guy. He's just enjoying the process of dating and getting to know you, it's always an advantage to believe he's still sussing out how he feels about you. If you lean back in a casual sense you allow the space for him to move forward and get closer to you rather than you constantly trying to fill that space. If you can mix serious with the fun while getting to know a guy it is possible to stay flirty yet get deep by asking him something like "What kind of a woman do you respect?" its inviting while giving you insight into his psyche. You can find out a whole lot about a man in a short space of time if you only have the confidence to be direct in a serious yet flirtatious way, ask him something like "What is you're weakness when it comes to women?". With those kind of fun yet challenging questions you'll find out a whole lot about the guy and what he values.

So what is it that men want? A woman who is in control of herself, her emotions and her world! That you are selective with who you spend your time with, your time is precious and who you choose to spend your time with matters. That you can give him a pressure free way to get to know you, and that you can casually challenge him without losing your cool. It's all about being assertive and playful in your delivery, not bitchy.

You can let a guy know you won't tolerate bad behaviour and only continue seeing him if he meets certain standards. Say that you won't allow just a purely physical interaction it's totally ok to say "Ill only sleep with a guy once I'm in a committed relationship". That holds a lot more respect than a woman who thinks she's jumping into a instant relationship by sleeping with a guy too soon and saying "We slept together did that mean nothing?", there is no short cut to a committed relationship. If you're just after a bit of fun or just want to "imagine what he can turn a bed sheet into" as Sophie Monk puts it. Then knock your socks, your bra… your everything off, who cares? However, if you're really interested in a guy as possible dating potential please don't make the mistake of sleeping with him too soon… Here's why. I've had plenty of mates that try so hard to keep their interactions in the "stasis" stage. They know she's interested and not really looking to hook up with anyone else, they spend time together but there is no real feeling of exclusivity or dependency….. for him anyway! The woman soon starts idealising the relationship before it's even started becoming attached. He scales back his presence and withdraws because he is avoiding the "Soooo…. where's this going?" losing his nice little sexual escape and the fun company without the effort of a relationship. The woman understandably then starts getting frustrated, confused and then will 'withhold' from him, so he will put in a little more effort to get back to that place before theres anything 'official'. He doesn't want a relationship right now, or with her to say the least anyway and his effort will only go so far. Harsh and hard reality but true none the less, trying to take short cuts isn't the way to go.

Already happened? Give the guy some space while exploring your own interests and options, if a relationship is what he is after with you it is a conclusion he needs to come to on his own, manipulation doesn't work. Contrary to popular belief a man will wait for sex, and you should make him wait if you really want to get to know him. If he is someone worth investing your time in and has the potential to make the right long term partner.

There is no rewind button so be sure to set the right expectations from the start about what you will or won't tolerate from the beginning so he won't feel jaded or cornered. You have the ability to set the standard from the beginning by using goal oriented conversation to draw you closer and assure you won't waste your time. It's easier to have this set up from the beginning with your early interactions, but say you've been seeing him for a few months but you don't know where its going? Yeah it is awkward and isn't always ideal. You've been invited to an event or party where you can bring a 'plus one" and yet you're feeling hesitant to take the guy you're casually seeing because you don't want the awkward barrage of questions asking what your relationship status is? Awkwardly bump into each other and don't know if you peck, hug or simply say hello? Getting compliments when you're out walking together like "You guys are such an attractive couple!"?…. yeah we've all been there. I once had a friend ask if it was 'my boyfriends house' she had to meet me at, where I found myself saying "well…. he's officially something!". Enter the "Soooo…." stage (insert eye roll here). Men usually take longer before they realise they want to enter into a relationship, and patience is always a virtue. Unless he's said "I love you" or you've actually had the DTR (Define The Relationship) talk it is always best to assume and act as though you are just casually dating, and there is nothing wrong with that. If the guy you're seeing hasn't actively communicated moving forward it's because he is indirectly telling you he's not interested in that yet. He's still figuring things out and this is the time where you can decide for yourself if you even really like this guy? Explore what you have in common or learn about the things that drives him. I get the frustration women face today when in comes to dating and with so many outlets for a guy to interact with countless women you're often left wondering "Are we doing this or not?…. cause I've got shit to do!". Those early interactions and how you handle them though is what sets you apart and what builds the physical and emotional attraction where a man will see something truly unique in a woman that he must have her. Its actually very easy to attract a man, the key is to keep interactions short and fun, be a little unpredictable and don't let conversation get too serious too soon. There's a term I hear male friends refer to a girl as when they're dating one I know they really like. It's not "she's hot" or even "she's wife material" it's a lot less understated than that. They commonly refer to her as a 'cool chick'. He can't quite put a finger on it, and they aren't always the most attractive but a 'cool chick' is code for a woman who embodies certain traits that are irresistible and draw in emotionally mature man.

So what makes a 'cool chick'?

Well they are patient and relaxed, they don't loose touch with their own life and think too far ahead. They have the ability to challenge a man in a fun, non threatening, flirtatious way but still let him know her boundaries and that she won't compromise on them or tolerate pressure and bad behaviour. Attracting a man comes easy as they don't let fear come into play, they can put positive thoughts and feelings to experiences that would usually be awkward or high drama. They can go with the flow and are flexible but can still be assertive. They are emotionally intelligent and are at the core of it, they don't let fear and ignorance get in the way of a good relationship. They are never NEEDY.

There is the negative, judgemental stereotype that women are socially dependant on a man, that they are clingy and need security. Again movies, ect don't help this very notion but the reality is men are threatened by a woman's emotional awareness. It's a skill we have been nurtured since birth and it's unfortunately what they lack, they can't comprehend emotional strength and see it as a weakness. No man should ever make you feel wrong for what you want or feel, stand your ground and make no apologies for it but it's all how you approach it. By taking responsibly for your own life and your emotions and desires and by being able to take charge of your emotional maturity by actively learning from your past mistakes and experiences, it is the greatest lesson of all. Pain and suffering is the price of personal growth. Knowledge and development is the reward, and it's the woman who takes full responsibility for her own emotions that can set the tone for the lasting committed relationship she wants.

Something else I've learned in my time with the guys, is that where woman usually crave more intimacy when they get close and bond with a guy, a man on the other hand needs space. Women freak out all the time, "We had a really intense moment and I haven't heard from him in two days." Women are used to being in a emotional state, we bond over long DAM's (Deep And Meaningfuls) with our girlfriends, men on the other hand are not. So when a man has experienced a strong emotional bonding moment with a woman he usually requires space to 'recover' before he can process and engage in another, its like working out a muscle, it needs to recover before it can be worked out again. So don't stress out if the guy you're seeing takes a little time for himself after a intense date, and keep calling him panicking, it's actually a good thing.

You're a confident woman who doesn't need to keep a man from doing the healthy personal things he likes. Time away from you is good. Allow him the freedom to pursue his goals and interests. When a couple can give each other the space to purse their own passions you're not taking away each other's freedom. It gives you both something to talk about, allows you to actually miss one another and keeps interest alive. It also reminds the other person that they have the freedom to be themselves, again you're not "taking" from the relationship but "adding" to it. You're a complete person who is quite capable of entertaining yourself, who can take responsibility for your own happiness, be the woman who has her own life that he will WANT to be apart of! It's the woman that shows a man he can have both freedom and the ability to be intimate that will make him feel safe.

There are ways you can let him know you don't want to casually date forever however without putting him on the spot and causing him to have a mini stroke inside. You can say "I like you and I've enjoyed our time together but I only want continue seeing you if you aren't seeing anyone else and it is going somewhere as the future is important to me and I don't want to waste my time." What you're saying here is that you are a strong, respectable woman who is assertive about who she spends her time with, so he better not stuff you around if he wants to keep seeing you. Follow it up in a calm voice "How about we keep seeing each other over the next [insert time frame here] and we can decide where this is going and see if it's something more serious we are both interested in pursuing." Once you've made your feelings known, don't keep bringing it up just keep the correspondence between you fun and pressure free and just enjoy spending time together and seeing if he is really what you want.

If he won't communicate he's looking for something serious after a long period of time you need to take the lead or you will follow into path of least resistance. The key is to lead without convincing. There is nothing wrong with telling a man what you want or what your needs are, its actually quite alluring. What you can't do however is after you have shared what you want is try to convince him to want what you want. Pleading, demanding or convincing NEVER works on men. What you can do however is be assertive by being 'clear' and 'comfortable' when talking about marriage for instance. "I couldn't be in a committed relationship with a man unless he was open to the possibility of marriage" a sure clear statement which you have delivered in a comfortable, confident way in the early dating process. You have stated what your needs are, but do you see how there is nothing 'needy' about it. This guy knows upfront that that is what is important to you, so no time wasted, you know if he ends up as a boyfriend he's aware of what you're looking for if it works out. A thing to remember also is this….You can't make a guy want marriage for example, but you can make a guy truly want to be with you! By him knowing what you want without demanding it and making a drama over it, well you're on the right path to getting what you want.

You've been dating a guy for awhile and he's taking his sweet ass time? Say "You have every right to date other woman but I'm looking for something exclusive." You're not a pushy salesman convincing him or offering an ultimatum, you're telling him this is what you need INDEPENDENT of him! It's all about setting an consistent emotional positive tone, if you can demonstrate a powerful control over your emotions especially in a tough conversation that says to a guy "Hey this chick doesn't rattle easy, Im intrigued!" you'll go far. Steering the conversation with a positive attitude especially in a situation where he would expect it to be negative, will allow a man to be more open and honest more often as he knows it's safe to do so without you losing your cool and going 'cray'. He will see you as a rare gem who understands him better than any woman, you are someone who adds to make his life more positive and like a winner, rather than someone who brings him down.

Have you ever acted out with so much anger over a situation that you ended up replying to something that you later regretted? Is your reaction to the situation rational or useful? You have free will, you don't need to be a slave to your emotions especially when they are not in your best interest. It is your choice to spread what you would like to feel around yourself and the man in your life will be directly influenced by your emotional experience reciprocating the same. If your guy is acting immature and distant? Simply state, "Your distant behaviour is not what you're looking for" and then give space. Don't try and have a serious conversation or text back when you are emotionally charged. Stay calm, in control and content when talking about important issues. If a guy says something hurtful give yourself space so he realises he's an idiot and knows it's not appreciated.

When you have the ability to recognise that emotions don't have to have a particular reaction, you can observe them internally and THEN choose how you want to react to a situation. Making smarter decisions that are result oriented rather than succumbing to raw emotion that's left unchecked and leaves you saying "Why did I do that?" When you reach that realisation that no matter what you do, you can not control what somebody else does, but can however control how someone makes you feel. You have a liberating, empowering sense of ownership over ones self, reprieving your partner the juggling act of keeping all your little pieces together. Reliving past emotional experiences that can lead to irrational decisions in a current relationship? Well you seriously need to check yourself if you're guilty of it. Can you stop your man from cheating? The answer is well... No! So why are you going to act like a jealous psycho, resenting the poor sucker if they don't meet your demands, and seeking constant validation and convincing him to be with you? All that will do is cause resentment, giving the guy a reason to want to.

When a woman has a prolonged emotional issue, at first a man will want to help fix it, be sympathetic, and enjoy the concept of being needed. He has a primal need to be protector after all; but after a while those holes that can't be filled become a drain which leads him to then emotionally withdraw. You might have been left heartbroken after a boyfriend cheated on you and you bring that distrust and fear into a new relationship by becoming paranoid and insecure, second guessing everything he does and reading into everything he doesn't do. You can easily get what you want out of life when you get rid of your own resistance by taking the initiative to learn and move on from past experiences. Damage that is caused in most relationships is inability to remove fear out of the equation. Creating negative tension instead of visualising a positive outcome. You become a responsibility and liability to a man when you allow neediness, paranoia, jealousy and insecurity into a relationship. When you allow fear to creep in and when you think someone else holds the key to you being ok you are setting yourself up for failure. We can have an entitled mindset and take it personally when someone doesn't behave to our romantic ideals. Women can start testing to see where the relationship is at, doubt their emotions and suffocate the relationship. You won't self sabotage a relationship if you remember you are a whole, complete person, focused on your own life. Not treating a relationship as oxygen or a well you need to constantly draw from. Don't have fear when entering new relationships, because in the end if it didn't work out and they decide to leave you, let them go and don't take it personally! Treat it as it was obviously for the best and accept it as it obviously wasn't the right relationship for you.

Learn to love yourself and spin things positively, if not to be with him, to be with a quality man that will see you as a positive aspect of his life…. and soon he will see you as a necessary one too!

How to talk to a guy with effortless communication.

Do you know the saying "If you can't say something nice then don't say at all"? You're finally in a relationship and all was well and you've been faced with a issue you need to address and you start arguing. Again it's totally ok to be honest with a guy, it is liberating to say what you want and men want you to be genuine. Where unnecessary arguments and friction come into play is when both parties are constantly trying to get the other person to see their side. Focusing on how you're right, they're wrong, rather than keeping a neutral state of mind. Communication is the reaction that you're getting!!! What response are you getting with what you are communicating? Is it the reaction or response what you want? Listen to what he has to say objectively and ignore short term gratification by jumping in. Instead think in way you haven't before. Focus on how things look from the other persons perspective, never make it that your side of the argument is more important than listening. It can be frustrating at first, but you will communicate better and you'd be surprised at how often things come down to simple miscommunication. How do you talk about what needs to be fixed? Bad communication is biggest failure in committed relationships, fearing confrontation, remaining silent and letting something fester. The key here is to start things on a fun positive note and being aware if this actually is the right time to have this conversation?- it's the primer if you will, "I'm happy and content with you…" by starting things off positively he will be more receptive. You can't drive a conversation with negative things. Follow this up with the foundation of what you want to continue and how you are together, trying to convince him or get him to conform is not part of the conversation. Keep it positive, "It's possible we are not seeing eye to eye, thats ok, I've known for a long time I want a relationship that…[insert needs here]". Active listening can be frustrating, and don't assume he understands what you need or expect he knows what you're feeling…. he doesn't! Especially in the early stages of a committed relationship, open understanding takes time to get to know how the other person behaves and feels to certain situations. If you can express things from a place of mutual benefit and lead with the positive you will realise that handling conflict can actually make you grow closer as a couple. That you are a team and not opponents, and that you can be completely honest with just a little tweaking in timing and delivery. Let him know from the start rather than letting it fester if something bothers you by creating a safe space for you both to open up, where you're both settled and relaxed. Give him the benefit of the doubt and don't assume he knows why you're upset. It's just choosing the right approach. You can freak out at the signs of him disengaged and nag, you could not do anything and continue down the rabbit hole or do something different and connect, grabbing his attention in a positive way. First you need to give yourself space to feel and understand 'where is it coming from?' Respect your true emotions and figure out if it's what you're feeling or what your thinking? Thinking statements come from a place of judgement and assumption where feeling statements promote truth and understanding. You don't need to go on and on about it. Make it easy for him to give him what you want by removing blame from your relationships. "I need you to…" or "You should…." The word "should" is a very dirty word… don't use it! Should is a punishing word we use it in our self dialogue on a regular basis, 'I shouldn't have done that', 'I'm such an idiot I should have…'. We can't help but resent people when we hear that blaming word so axe that word from your vocabulary. When it comes to conflict instead use statements like "It would really make me happy if….".

When in doubt if you're starting to feel a little lost with a guy, reconnect with you. Reclaim who you were before he came along, losing yourself is worse than losing a man. Create your own happiness independent of a guy and don't be intimidated by space in a relationship by nurturing your connections with friends and family. Stay honest and authentic with what is important to you and if you can practice to be more emotionally aware you will be sure to find the right relationship that is fulfilling for both parties.

Happy dating

xoxo

xB

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